It’s hard to believe that enough people saw The Hitman’s Bodyguard that the studios would think it was a wise idea to green light a sequel. (I know I didn’t see it!) Yet, here we are, four years after the first film and after a very brief theatrical run, The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is being released on video.

After watching The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, the whole thing is even more confusing. Who thought it was a good idea for this film to be made?

It is just 99 minutes of unfunny jokes, out-of-date pop-cultural references and absurd, over-the-top, cartoonish violence. (Giving it the old Siskel & Ebert “cliched adventure film” test, there were at least two different scenes where an out-of-control car crashed into a loaded fruit cart.)

Oh yeah, you also get to see Samuel L. Jackson use the word “motherfucker” a lot and Salma Hayek talk a lot about her pussy and her boobs. Because you never get to see those things otherwise.

Plus, there is an awkward title that includes two successive possessive nouns.

Also, in fairness, The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard does also have a significant amount of stunning European scenery, which was actually quite nice. However, you can watch the Travel Channel for that and not have to deal with all the rest of the garbage going on here.

I’d talk about the storyline, but honestly there isn’t much of one, just a megalomaniac Greek leader trying to destroy the European union by hacking into the data infrastructure, because of… I don’t know, megalomania?

In the meantime, our heroes (such as they are) bicker and fight across Europe as lots and lots of people try – pretty incompetently – to kill them.

There is not a single surprise in The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard – although in fairness they were never trying to surprise. Instead, I suppose it is trying to be a parody of James Bond/Bourne-type action films. Too bad it’s neither action packed nor funny.

Jay S. Jacobs

Copyright ©2021 PopEntertainment.com. All rights reserved. Posted: August 17, 2021.

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Copyright ©2021 PopEntertainment.com. All rights reserved. Posted: August 17, 2021.