You've got to be kidding. You've got to be
fucking kidding me!
Did the creators of the vile, cynical money
grab of a movie Alien vs. Predator really think the world was
stupid enough to buy this uncomfortable pairing of two long-dead film
franchises?
Even the movie's catch
phrase is strangely and scornfully prophetic, "Whoever wins... we lose."
No one wins, except for
maybe the accountants tallying up the first weekend's grosses.
Undoubtedly, bad word of mouth will kill the box office soon after then.
After all, the only
truly great film that came out of either series was the Ridley Scott's
first
Alien
film from 1979. (If you saw the limited release 25th Anniversary
version that played cinemas briefly earlier this year, you will be
strongly reminded how much scarier that film was than this new one had any
shot at.) I've always thought the 1986 James Cameron sequel was a
little over-rated, but at least it was an entertaining film. David
Fincher's 1992 Alien3
was an interesting failure, but by
the time of Alien Resurrection in 1997, the series was already on
fumes.
The original
Predator, strangely, was just a
kind of low-rent Alien rip-off which became a bit of a favorite
because it came right in the middle of Arnold Schwartzenegger's odd string
of hit movies in the late 80s. No one cared when they released a
sequel.
The story for the new
film, as if it really matters, has a dying millionare (played by Lance
Henriksen,
who was in the second and third Alien movies... playing a different
character, a robot at that) in current day earth taking a group of
archeologists and adventurers into an ice chamber deep below the Antarctic
Circle. The group stumbles upon an uppity turf war between the
aliens and the predators. Now, this overlooks the fact that Alien
took place far in the future, and that in the earlier films the idea that
the aliens would ever make it to Earth were the whole reason the good guys
fought them off. The film makes a lame attempt
to explain away this basic story problem.
They don't even make
good on the inherent interest that they are trying to sell.
Supposedly, this film is a battle royale between two perfect killing
machines. But, the film is so desperate to hold on to its PG-13
rating that in the rare occasions that the aliens and the predators take
each other on, you see little and understand less. If you really
cared who was winning the war... and I can't imagine that many people
would... you could barely tell from this murky, quick-cut footage.
It is repugnant that
they made this PG-13, and thus be able to fool little kids who may not
know better than avoid this crap, after all, it does have two neat
monsters, how bad can it be? All
four previous Alien films, and both previous Predator ones
were rated R for violence. So even on the low level that the film
set it's sights, they wimped out.
The people responsible for this travesty
should be locked on a spaceship with both Alien and Predator. Better yet,
lock them in a small room and make them watch this piece of garbage over
and over again forever. (8/04)
